Chapter 62 - Loving and Losing Juliett
by Lanae Clair
Summary: A one-shot of chap. 62 in Warner's POV. **WARRING** I like this but not much of it (to me) sounds like Warner.


I knock on her door and wait anxiously. I know she's in there, nothing but a door keeping us apart.

There was a time when a door ment nothing, _nothing_ but a square block-way, usually keeping my from something I wanted, but easily knocked down...

Now, but so much. Now, it feels like we are miles and miles away from each other and every time I get just shy of my mark - there Kent is mucking everything up. Pleading with my love for her affections. And every time I see it I die a little. Because I know the truth...that she loves him, that she's starting away to protect him, for his own good. I know that if she didn't care so deeply she would be in _his _ not get own. And for that, I die a little, just ever so slowly. Forced to go through the torture of my not quite - not_ yet_- returned love. But my torment and torture is also my addiction. And I thank the heavens that I get to see my tormentor every day.

The door opens… and there she is. Looking as stunning as ever… Juliett.

Juliett closes the door just as quickly and as suddenly as she owned it.

"Juliette?" I say testing the waters.

"What are you _doing_ here?" her lovely voice, laced with anger and shock, says through the door.

"I need to speak with you."

"Right now. You need to speak with me right now."

I need to speak with you right now and forever but I have come to terms with the realization that that won't happen so I settle on "Yes. It's important, I heard Kent telling you that those twin girls would be in the medical wing tonight and I figured it would be a good time for us to speak privately."

"You heard my conversation with Adam?" she says in a panicked voice.

"I have zero interest in your conversation with Kent," I say which is true "I left just as soon as I heard you'd be alone tonight." I left for fear that after proving her love for_ him _and hiding her feeling for me, that I would not have the courage to ask her the question that would back or end me.

"Oh. How did you even get in here without guards stopping you?"

Seeing an opening I say "Maybe you should open the door so I can explain."

Nothing, not that I'm surprised.

"Please, love, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you. You should know that by now." and if she didn't than she had less intelligence than Kent

"I'm giving you five minutes. Then I have to sleep, okay? I'm exhausted."

Feeling as if my heart would explode and I was smiling as I say "Okay. Five minutes."

I walk into her room and sit on her bed, my mind racing.

Has Kent say here? Or course. When was the last time? Was it when she said good-by? Before? After?

These are not the things that i_ should_ be thinking of, but they distract me from my urges to pull her into this bed with me.

"So . . . what is it? You just left earlier, in the tunnel. Even though I asked you to wait."

Of course I left, watching her with that pathetic waste of a man makes me sick. She is settling because no one else can touch her out loves her - what she has always wanted her while life (I know about that)...But_ I'm _ here now...and I want_ my_ chance...

"Your bed is so much more comfortable than mine," he says quietly. "You have a pillow. And an actual blanket?" I laugh. "You're living like a queen in these quarters. They treat you well."

"Warner." I love how she says my name. Life it matters. Like she can_ see_ me "What's going on? Why are you here?" she says, worried more. The thought of her worried for me send a zing of painful pleasure - the only kind I know - through me.

Nerves build up in me. I suck in a tight breath.

"I want you to come with me"

Nothing, which I take as a good sign.

"When I leave tomorrow, I want you to come with me. I never had a chance to finish talking to you earlier and I thought asking you in the morning would be bad timing all around."

"You want me to come with you."

"Yes." I say

"You want me to run away with you."

"Yes."

"I can't believe it, You really have lost your mind."

I smile, not telling her that I lost my mind the moment I saw her. "Where's your face? I feel like I'm talking to a ghost."

"I'm right here."

"Where?"

I hear her moving. "I'm here."

"I still can't see you," I say as l lean towards her voice feeling heat pour of her. "Can you see me?"

"No" she lies. I can tell she sees me by the spike in her emotions.

She takes a step back and I reach out and grab her, feeling as if I might  shatter if I don't.

I run my fingers over her soft skin, revealing in the intimate touch. The flimsy material barely covers anything and for that I am grateful. My heart kicks into overdrive with the realization that she hasn't pushed me away.

I push a little further.

"Is it even possible," I whispers, "that you can't feel this fire between us?" my hands lightly travel up the path of her and under the straps of her shirt and I feel as tho I might fracture if I don't touch her - _ feel _her _more_.

I allow my lips to softly run themselves ever get solder in the ghost of a kiss and I feel her hold her breadth, awaiting my next move.

I kiss her collarbone with more pressure than before but still barely any of the contract my heart, my mind, my body, my_ lips_ crave for.

As I force myself to pulls back, I touch her bottom lip, tracing the shape of her mouth, her lips part as though on their own accord and I steps closer. She must not even realize she's leaning into me, inhaling deeply into my neck. I remove my fingers from her lips only to place my hands around her waist.

Pressing closely I whisper "You," slowly - hoarsely. Then I hesitates. Finally I finish, saying if possible, softer "You _destroy_ me"

She leans into my arms.

"Juliette," I says, slowly, savoring each letter. "I want you." And oh, I do. So bad it hurts. So bad. So low, into the things I never realized I had - my heart and soul. "I want all of you. I want you inside and out and catching your breath and aching for me like I ache for you. It's never been a secret. I've never tried to hide that from you. I've never pretended I wanted anything less." and that is true.

But I never have so blatantly put it all out there - my feeling for her. I loved with the false belief - the false hope that if I never said it with anything other than actions than I was never truly rejected - something I become accustomed to throughout my life. That if it was never voiced than she wouldn't be able to turn me down, break my heart.

How wrong I was - I know that. I was being a coward, but truly I am nothing more than that inside.

"You—you said you wanted f-friendship—" she stutters, recurring to one of the best days of my life...the day she says she didn't hate me, the day say unknowingly dated to  ignite my hope in an_ us_ in the future.

"Yes," I swallows. "I did. I do. I do want to be your friend. I want to be the friend you fall hopelessly in love with. The one you take into your arms and into your bed and into the private world you keep trapped in your head. I want to be that kind of friend. The one who will memorize the things you say as well as the shape of your lips when you say them. I want to know every curve, every freckle, every shiver of your body, _Juliette_—" I say the last word as a moan.

"No," she gasps. "Don't—don't s-say that—"

I continue.

"I want to know where to touch you. I want to know how to touch you. I want to know how to convince you to design a smile just for me." I'm breathing faster than I have in my entire life. "Yes, I do want to be your friend. I want to be your best friend in the entire world.

Trailing my hand against her top I say, "I want so many things," I whisper. "I want your mind. Your strength. I want to be worth your time." m My fingers still on her to to top I tug and say "I want this up." Switching to the wast of th her pants I say "I want these down." I touch the tips of my fingers to the sides of her body and say, "I want to feel your skin on fire. I want to feel your heart racing next to mine and I want to know it's racing because of me, because you want me. Because you never, never want me to stop. I want every second. Every inch of you. I want all of you"

"Juliette."

I can't understand why I can still hear him speaking because I'm dead, I'm already dead, I've died over and over and over again

I swallows, hard, my chest heaving, his words nothing but a shaky whisper with every word when I admit what I've been thinking since the moment she first yelled at me. " I'm so—I'm so desperately in love with you -"

I touched her cheek softly, so softly. As if she might unravel. As if she is again one of my dreams - the ones that haunted me after she escaped - and she might disappeared. My fingers graze the side of het face, gently, so slowly before they slip behind her head, caught in that in-between spot just above her neck.

I keep looking at her, looking into her eyes for direction. For some sign of a protest. Because the cannot be happening. These kind of things don't happen to people like me, or to me in general. I wait for her to start screaming or crying or running away but she doesn't. I don't think I could take it if she did.

I moves closer, just an inch. My free hand reaches up to cup the other side of my face holding her gently, still scared I might wake up soon.

Not able to deny myself any longer, I lean in and whisper "Please." My voice cracking. "Please don't shoot me for this" and I lean in closer. So close, until our lips touch and my heart sings and the world is whole again. Nothing else matters but her. She is the center of my ever move, ever thought, my universe. This kiss is better than our first. While that one was filled with passion (whether Juliett wants to admit it out not) this one was show and sweet and...perfect.

And then it changed.

"Oh,_ God-"_ Juliett moans and I love the sound.

I kiss her again, this time stronger, desperate, memorizing the feel of her - the taste of her and it's driving me crazy.

I'm breathing so hard, so heavy. But sure where to take this. Never have I been the open with someone. Never have I been in love. And I just can't help but to keep going further and further. There's no help for me.

I search her, looking into her eyes for something, for anything telling me to stop. That this is as far as I can go. For her to start screaming at me, or even pull out a gun again and finish what she started so long ago.

But nothing but longing.

No words.

Just her lips.

Again.

Deep and urgent because I have waited for so long. I can't afford to take anymore time, there's not enough time before the inevitable. Before she wakes up out of this daze and goes back to hiding evening. My hands travel up back, learning every curve of her figure as promised. Then I'm kissing her. Kissing her neck, her throat, the slope of her shoulders all the while my breaths come harder, faster, my hands find their way into her hair and I'm spinning, I'm dizzy, I'm moving and she reaches up behind my neck and clinging to me and I have never felt better - more _alive._

I push her against the wall.

Suddenly in a frenzy I kiss her with everything I have. And my hands are showing her body just how much they life her. I feel as if I am dyeing and she is my life line. I am an addict and she is my last hit. I'm sitting everything but it's going to fast I'm not sure what is happening but I knew I like it.

I pull her pants down to the floor.

I'm holding her in my arms, just looking at her, whispering "You're so beautiful. You're so unbelievably beautiful" I pull her up against me again and carry her to the her. I adjust her till I am straddling her. My chest bare.

I kiss her everywhere my lips can touch.

I kiss her on both lips individually, just under her chin, the tip of her nose, her forehead, both temples, her cheeks, all across her jaw line. Then her neck, behind her ears, all the way down her throat and my hands slide down her body. I move down until my chest is right above her hip.

I leave a trail of kisses up her body. I hear a whimper and my heart fills and expanded and explodes. She locks her fingers in my hair and then I'm being pulling up on top of her.

She slip her hands down my neck, over my chest and down the length of my body.

I'm careful not to put all my weight on top of her, for fear I might crush her.

Smiling I press my forehead against hers and let out a connected sigh.

"Juliette." I say, wanting this to be out. Wanting to hear her say it again, it's been so long.

She closes her eyes at the sound of my voice and I don't think I have ever felt anything so good.

"I don't want you to call me Warner anymore."

She open her eyes.

"I want you to know me," I say breathless. "I don't want to be Warner with you. I want it to be different now. I want you to call me Aaron.

"Adam." She says with a horrified look and I die.

Or at least it feels like I do. This must be what dieing feels like. I'm having a heart attack.

"I'm s-sorry," she stammer, "I'm so sorry—I never meant for this to happen—I wasn't _thinking_—"

But her works do nothing to fill the black hole she opens up with that one little word, that name.

I wait to wake up, to feel the reliefs that this is all a dream.

Nothing happens.

I whisper, "What's happening to me? Am I dreaming?" I feel as tho I am, never, but in my dreams, have I felt like this, this pain. It's indescribably

"You're choosing him?" I ask feeling as tho I might die from the pain and anger, or at least pass out. "Is that what just happened? You're choosing Kent over me? Because I don't think I understand what just happened and I need you to say something, I need you to tell me what the hell is happening to me right now—"

"No," she gasps. "No, I'm not choosing anyone—I'm not— I'm n-not—"

"Why? Because he's the safer choice for you? Because you think you _owe_ him something? You are making a mistake," I say my voice rising as I try not to tell at her. "You're scared. You don't want to make the difficult choice and you're running away from me."

"Maybe I just d-don't want to be with you."

"I know you want to be with me!" I burst out.

"You're wrong." she says, looking surprised she said it.

"Really?" I struggle to tame my temper, and my urges to tell her to forget the last few minutes so we can get back to what was happening before she said the wrong name.

"Y-yes."

"So I'm wrong. I'm wrong that you want me. That you want to be with me." My fingers graze her shoulders, her arms; my hands slide down the sides of her. Even not, while on the middle of all this, I cannot _not_ touch her

"Tell me something, love. Am I blind, too?" I ask.

It seems like she stops stops breathing.

"I will not be your clown! I will not allow you to make a mockery of my feelings for you! I could respect your decision to _shoot me_, Juliette, but doing this—doing—doing what you just did—" I can barely speak, I as so angry and hurt. I want to screen and shout and take a page out of Kent's book and her and plead all at the same time. "It's the play of a coward," I say. "I thought you were so much better than that."

"I'm not a coward—"

"Then be honest with yourself!" I say. "Be honest with me! Tell me the truth!"

Her hands are clench into shaking fists. "The truth is that I never know what to think of you! Your actions, your behavior—you're never consistent! You're horrible to me and then you're kind to me and you tell me you love me and then you hurt the ones I care most about!

"And you're a liar," she snap, backing away from me. "You say you don't care about what you do—you say you don't care about other people and what you've done to them but I don't believe it. I think you're hiding. I think the real you is hiding underneath all of the destruction and I think you're better than this life you've chosen for yourself. I think you can change. I think you could be different. And I feel sorry for you!" she says and I am stunned.

"I'm sorry for your horrible childhood. I'm sorry you have such a miserable, worthless father and I'm sorry no one ever took a chance on you. I'm sorry for the terrible decisions you've made. I'm sorry that you feel trapped by them, that you think of yourself as a monster who can't be changed. But most of all, most of all I'm sorry that you have no mercy for yourself!"

I flinch.

When I speak my word come out raw and full of shock.

"You pity me."

Her breath catches

"You think I'm some kind of broken project you can repair."

"No—I didn't—"

"You have no _idea_ what I've done!" my word practically spit at her, I have never been angrier in my life. "You have no idea what I've seen, what I've had to be a part of. You have no idea what I'm capable of or how much mercy I deserve. I know my own heart," I snaps my brain and heart full of heart "I know who I am. Don't you dare pity me

"I thought you could love me for _me_," I say. "I thought you would be the one person in this godforsaken world who would accept me as I am! I thought you, of all people, would understand." I put my face right in front of hers when I say, "I was wrong. I was so horribly, horribly wrong."

I back up and grab my shirt as Juliett stutters out more of her sugar coated lies. "Please—that's not what I meant—"

But able to control myself any longer I soon around and say "I do not want your _sympathy_!"

"I wasn't trying to hurt you—"

"The truth is a painful reminder of why I prefer to live among the lies." I say, heartbreaking.

I feel as tho I might die. Nothing, not the"punishment" and "training" my father conducted, not even being shot, hurt this bad.

I start to say something but come up short... usually I am good with words, but the ask fall short in my heartache"Good-bye, Juliette."

"I won't see you again." she says twisting the knife in my heart.

I let the last remaining bits of my carefully built mask slip away as I try to find something to say. There is nothing is the work to describe this feeling. I don't know why I thought I could have anything good and pure as love in my life, but I had to try. And new I know I am worthless, but I hope to someday be worth something her. "I certainly hope not" I finally respond as my heart breaks a little more and I leave. Shutting the door on my love.


End file.
